January 02, 2010

Reflections on Being Homeless

A slightly disconcerting realization struck me today as I dressed to emerge into the sunny but frigid Chicago morning (5° F, which for those in countries who use a sensible temperature system, is -15° C)—I had lived in Chicago for over two years. Longer, indeed, than my time in San Francisco. It hardly felt true. Had it really been that long? And as I put on accessory after accessory intended to repel the bone-chilling cold and eventually wandered outside, an even more unsettling sensation set in—I felt no attachment whatsoever to this city, neither where I live now (Gold Coast) nor where I lived before (loathsome Hyde Park—don't get me started).

December 22, 2009

Year in Review, 2009

And just like that, dear readers, another decade comes to a close. What have you accomplished in the ten years that have passed since the prospect of computer-induced annihilation reined supreme? What have I? The answer to the latter question is as simple as it is dismal: nothing. I imagine the answer to the former question is similarly dour, but I shall dwell on that not.

In the spirit of the Y2K catastrophe that never elapsed, however, I have again issued a holiday card—my fifth to date—to commemorate the singular misfortune of my continued existence that the world yet again had to bear in the year just passed.

Those for whom I have a valid e-mail address should have received a link earlier tonight. For all the rest, the card is available here. May you experience no more failure or futility in the year that follows than the year that has passed. Happy holidays.

December 19, 2009

Forgotten Memories

The Eiffel Tower at Night
January 2007

Having just finished another grueling quarter of law school (my third to last!), I once again found myself this week at my parents' home in OC with time on my hands to turn attention to the shattered remains of my personal life. High on my list of things to do was uploading photographs from my trip to Japan this summer—a necessary, but tedious job by any account.

Though I love shooting photos as I travel, I am notoriously bad at ever processing those photos once I have shot them. The set from the Japan trip was looming especially large on the horizon in terms of tedium as I had shot the entire trip in RAW mode (after I tried it a year or so back, I haven't been able to go back!), meaning an additional step in my work flow of processing each individual photograph for white balance, contrast, and the like. Doing that for some two hundred photos shot over six days would be no joke.

But what's the point of shooting photographs if they are destined to lie in some musty temporary directory on my fileserver forever, right? So, I steadied myself and logged on: traversing through that temp directory filled with random photos and other images, I made a horrifying discovery:

November 26, 2009

Structuring Personal Transactions: A Case Study in Marriage

I like to think of personal interactions as corporate transactions. It's less emotional that way. Bid, negotiate, sign, withstand regulatory scrutiny, and close (or in my case, fail at one or more of the above). Who wouldn't rather talk in terms of intercreditor agreements than feelings, right? But, as much as that should be obvious to all except the most steadfastly stubborn, alas, it is not. For the sake of those for whom silly emotions still rank supreme, I now undertake a brief example of how this brilliant approach to life can reap rewards far greater than delusional obsession with sentiments.

The easiest place to begin is with the most costly personal transactions in which people engage—marriage. Now, as long time readers are well aware, I have often focused on this topic, first in considering ways to (legitimately) avoid taxes; then in discussing criteria for tying the proverbial noose; and finally in categorizing potential partners in terms of tax benefits. Today I take it to the next logical step: having established criteria and categorized partners, how does one structure said entanglement to maximize one's personal utility?

October 17, 2009

Contemplations on Corporate Crime

For anyone who has been with me (and the wretched conglomeration of loneliness and despair known as the Realm) long, the knowledge that I am irrationally obsessed with criminality and lawlessness should not come as a surprise. Indeed, I have on two previous occasions forayed into the emerging field of lawlessness and economics (L&E for short), first in 2004 by considering the possibility of a career in selling smack, and then in 2008, by pondering the viability of an otherwise upstanding young gentleman¹ as myself pursuing a life of computer crime. Today, I expand on these seminal works through a groundbreaking analysis of yet another excellent opportunity for those with lots of good ol' American ingenuity, few morals, and an uncompromising work ethic, namely financial crime.

October 03, 2009

Dark Clouds Brewing

Exactly one year ago, I lamented the passing of my youth, lost forever down a (plastic) bottle of substandard alcohol. Not much has changed since then. And though today I am certainly a year older, and most likely, one dumber as well, the subject of my (much regretted) appearance on this planet is not one that is on my mind today. Instead, even as the continuing farce that is my existence barrels on towards ultimate obscurity and irrelevance, I did see a last this week that carries some significance—at least as much significance as is possible in a life so completely devoid of intrinsic meaning.

This past week was very likely my last first day of school ever. Absent a catastrophic failure (of the academic variety—the rest, I assure you dear readers, are certain to occur), I will finish up law school in approximately nine months, and once again be thrown into the dark abyss of reality from which I have been gleefully hiding the past two odd years. I know I should be feeling something—after all, much of my life for approaching three decades has been dedicated to education. But the emotions such an event should conjure in my mind—excitement, nostalgia, a hint of sadness—none of these is what I feel today. Instead, it is a unsettling combination of weariness, disbelief, boredom, and liminal anxiety that consumes me on this breezy autumn morning.

September 26, 2009

Twelve Hours of Hate

For those who have had the extreme misfortune of having made my acquaintance, the subject of my consummate hatred for everything and everyone, myself most of all, should not be news. Nevertheless, even while we may understand that generally, I am a curmudgeon, the extent and obscurity of my hatred had never been studied in detail—that is, until this summer.

On a road trip back from New York to Chicago in August, my friend decided as we were leaving Manhattan to note whenever I said I hate something. Over the next twelve hours and a number of topics of conversation, he managed to create a list of thirty-one items—a window into my hatred, if you will.

The result was surprising, even to me. Damn, I'm a hater! For those who are interested, I have reproduced the list below in its entirety (the original will be framed).

September 18, 2009

The Fall from (Geek) Grace

While stories of devastating, relentless failure with women—and in life more broadly—are so commonplace to my miserable existence (and this blog) as to be passé, one should never doubt my unfaltering capacity to achieve new lows with each passing year. This week brought just such a low, and in an unlikely arena—technology—demonstrating clearly that my material worthlessness is not limited to social interactions, but instead permeates the very fabric of my being.

September 13, 2009

On Football and Friendships

I realized last night as I left the Cal alumni bar in Chicago, having just watched my beloved Golden Bears rack up fifty-something points for the second week in a row, that I probably care more about Cal football than almost anything else in my (necessarily futile) life—including people. The sheer silliness of the previous statement ought not be dismissed lightly. But neither should the grain of truth that rests beneath it. And as I made my way back home on that warm autumn night, if there was anything I was certain about, it was that surely there was some truth to that sentiment. The realization, moreover, made me profoundly uncomfortable, though I am still at a loss as to explain precisely why.

August 17, 2009

Seven Years and Counting

Despite my dereliction in updating this past year, I hope the recent flurry of activity convinces you, dear readers, that I have indeed resurrected this site from the ashes of unmet expectations. Two posts in as many days, however, is unusual, even by what used to be normal standards; I have two reasons for breaking these prevailing norms.

First, in addition to returning to the web, I have also posted pictures from my time in the UK this summer (working in London). Albums from Edinburgh and Bath are now online.

Second, today marks the seventh anniversary of this blog (though not the Realm, which is almost a year older). My first post appeared on this site on August 18, 2002. Please do not judge me too harshly.

In any case, I am off to Japan tomorrow (or later today, I suppose) for a little more than a week. Expect at least a couple updates from there, as I will be carrying a computer and will need to be online (for asinine reasons, as it were) rather regularly.